Confessions of a Substance Abuse Queen
By: Jenny Alforria
God do I feel everything so deeply and intensely
And Goddddd, how hard I tried not to feel a fucking thing!
Goddd how hard I tried to escape my pain so extremely
The times I drank until I can no longer feel the ground beneath me….
I drank until the room spinned around me
As I was spinning around the room
Feeling nothing but slowed down heart beats
And the musical vibrations I rhythmically danced to with my feather feet
And the man behind me grinding up against me, and sometimes I didn’t even feel him….
And that was the beauty of it
Not feeling a fucking thing.
Silence and fun coexisting
The power I’ve felt from the poison I craved
I felt like a queen….
Little did I know I was a slave…..
Alcohol wasn’t enough for me
So I popped pills
The Benzodiazepine and opiate queen
Lost in the bliss of dependence on all these things that were killing me
All to solve the crying problem
The anxiety problem
The sadness problem
The self hatred problem
And little did I know….
By turning it all off
I was just making it all worse
And I couldn’t keep pushing down the lid
To a pot of unresolved emotional problems just foaming over…..
I was living in a dream
But once I woke up
Reality was waiting for me impatiently
Trying to shake me and slap me
While I was peacefully sleeping
The reality is racing heart beats are ok
They just let me know I’m alive
That crying is my soul trying to clear out all the things that died
That depression is a signal letting me know something needs to change
And that pain makes me beautiful
Because All great things are born out of pain
Self hatred is untapped success just waiting to be transformed into self love
Little did I know that all the things that I thought made me broken were the things that could make me whole.
All the things that I thought made me ugly
Made me beautiful.
All the time I spent avoiding
I’ve just cheated myself
I’m a person worth fighting for
There is no reason I should kill myself.
Written By:Jenny Alforria