Cast Away 

Cast Away 

I have discovered this beautiful island 

Where I found what I’ve been searching for, for so long 

The light to my dark heart 

The tune to my song 

I found something so special here 

And it is my treasure to keep 

No one can take it away 

No one can steal it from me 

I’m on this island all alone 

But I tell myself it’s ok 

Because this island here became my home 

And here is where I need to stay 

The fruit on this island is healing all the diseases I caught from sailing the seas 

The depression, low self esteem, and even the self hate. 

I thought that sailing the mysterious seas was where I should put my faith. 

I thought the seas were the cure to the illness I received from back home. 

So I ventured out all alone. 

Little did I know the seas made me worse and some how I drowned and washed up on these shores. 

I’m grateful I got lost and found this place! 

Because now I finally found the cure to all my pain and my hurt. 

I know eventually I must go back home. 

But for now I’m resting on this turf. 

Until I muster up all the strength I need and more. 

To be stronger than ever before. 
By: Jenny Alforria 

Confessions of a Substance Abuse Queen 

Confessions of a Substance Abuse Queen 

By: Jenny Alforria 

God do I feel everything so deeply and intensely 
And Goddddd, how hard I tried not to feel a fucking thing! 

Goddd how hard I tried to escape my pain so extremely 

The times I drank until I can no longer feel the ground beneath me….

I drank until the room spinned around me 

As I was spinning around the room 

Feeling nothing but slowed down heart beats 

And the musical vibrations I rhythmically danced to with my feather feet

And the man behind me grinding up against me, and sometimes I didn’t even feel him….

And that was the beauty of it 

Not feeling a fucking thing. 

Silence and fun coexisting 

The power I’ve felt from the poison I craved 

I felt like a queen….

Little did I know I was a slave…..

Alcohol wasn’t enough for me 

So I popped pills 

The Benzodiazepine and opiate queen 

Lost in the bliss of dependence on all these things that were killing me 

All to solve the crying problem 

The anxiety problem 

The sadness problem 

The self hatred problem 

And little did I know….

By turning it all off 

I was just making it all worse 

And I couldn’t keep pushing down the lid 

To a pot of unresolved emotional problems just foaming over…..

I was living in a dream

But once I woke up 

Reality was waiting for me impatiently 

Trying to shake me and slap me 

While I was peacefully sleeping 

The reality is racing heart beats are ok 

They just let me know I’m alive 

That crying is my soul trying to clear out all the things that died 

That depression is a signal letting me know something needs to change

And that pain makes me beautiful 

Because All great things are born out of pain 

Self hatred is untapped success just waiting to be transformed into self love 

Little did I know that all the things that I thought made me broken were the things that could make me whole. 

All the things that I thought made me ugly 

Made me beautiful. 

All the time I spent avoiding 

I’ve just cheated myself 

I’m a person worth fighting for 

There is no reason I should kill myself. 

Written By:Jenny Alforria 

My Suicide Note 

My Suicide Note 
For a really long time I’ve been wanting to die. 

It’s getting really hard to breathe 

And be this person I don’t like to see 

I can’t stand this person I have become 

Constantly avoiding life on life terms

I hate how exhausted I constantly am 

How I spend my days in the bed all day 

Too weak to even stand 

Depression and anxiety constantly eating at my life

Fighting so long that I no longer fight 

Drowning in symptoms of PTSD 

Locked up in my room 

Binge Watching tv episodes 

To escape my life of doom 

Not showering for days at a time 

Did I mention binge watching tv episodes 

But my life is the only thing on rewind….

Too fatigued to comb or wash my hair 

Too scared to look into the mirror, 

Life imprisoned by fear

Yeah this is a suicide note 

Of a suicide I’ve committed a long time ago. 

I’m grieving over a girl who died a long time ago. 

Now that I’m in the after life……I came to realize there is a life that’s after life.

And I’m ready to start fucking living now. 

See like I said I’ve already committed suicide. 

I already died! 

Now it’s time to come back from the dead 

Into the land of  the living

Free, happy, alive and well. 

I’m ready to live

rise out my grave 

And escape my hell! 
By: Jenny Alforria 

Understand 

Understand By: Jenny Alforria 
I wish someone could peer into the cracks of my broken soul. 

And understand what makes me so cold.

I wish someone could see behind

 the lies I tell 

and know that I’m not well. 

I wish someone could look into my eyes and see that even when I’m laughing

I really want to cry.

I wish someone could hear the beats of my heart 

and still know despite the beating 

it’s still torn completely apart. 

I wish someone could see past the small talk of I’m ok or I’m fine 

and see the pain of my torchered mind.

I wish there was someone who could understand how I’m running 

but still can’t stand still enough to look into the mirror 

and look at who I am. 

I wish there was someone who could hold my hand 

and walk with me into the darkness

 I feel like I can’t withstand 

I wish there was someone with me 

on this lonely island of my PTSD 

So they knew I was a cast away 

and therefore see 

how hard connecting with other people 

is for me. 

I wish there was someone who really understood 

But then again what if there was someone who really could…..

They would have to of gone through the same things as me. 

And I am the same person I don’t want to meet. 

My Complicated Relationship 

My Complicated Relationship 

By: Jenny Alforria 

My Complicated Relationship

See me and the world have this complicated relationship…..
Prayer is suggested during difficult times. 

But sometimes I feel like

 no one can hear my cries. 

Like I’m yelling out 

and the only thing I can hear 

Is echos of my own broken voice 

No one sees anything 

past my overweight figure 

No one hears anything 

past the words I never say 

I feel the world moving straight pass me 

Every time the world paid attention to me

It was to get what it wanted out of me 

Sometimes it grabbed my body parts, 

Pulled down my pants 

Sometimes it demanded higher grades 

And when it wanted to be nice 

it gave me pills to forget things 

that have happened to me. 

Sometimes the world will tell me 

a cluster of things 

Such as I’m a slut 

I’m ugly or just not good enough….

Sometimes the world will say nothing at all while I cried and cried asking why me? 

Why must my life be this way? 

Silence hurt me the most 

The echoes of my own broken voice…..

This loneliness I feel leads me to believe that the world will be better off without me 

That maybe I should take the worlds advice and just go die. 

Because maybe my body, high grades and hard work 

is all the world wants out of me….

Maybe this world I live in 

doesn’t care for my cries 

Or wants to be bothered with 

what keeps me up at night 

Maybe this world doesn’t want to be bothered with my longing for suicide. 

Maybe this world is too preoccupied with the me that’s in tip top shape, 

And can care less about the weight that I gain because I can no longer leave my bed. 

Maybe the world is too obsessed with the grades that I am able to keep 

Or the work productivity I am able to have 

It can care less about the child hood it stole from me…

It can care less about the times 

it raped and violated me and betrayed me….

Forgive me if I’m tired of pretending to be this perfect human being. 

That I can just continue being silent about what this world has done to me 

And like a scared abused child pretend like everything is fine and nothing is going on. 

The world keeps yelling at me to just keep going. 

The world keeps telling me to be 

the best me, 

while it kicks me and chokes me….

The world and I have this complicated relationship….

And I have gotten to the point that I just want to break up with it 

and move on….

Slavery 

Slavery

By: Jenny Alforria 

I’m stuck in this place 

where they force you to conform 

To their ideas and their way of living 

I’m forced to live in this place 

where you gotta live by these rules

Or else they’ll lock you up and torture you

Don’t dare to have an idea of living 

that’s different from what they believe is true 

They’ll call you crazy 

Say you need medications 

They’ll tell you 

you have mental issues

Anything that’s different

 from go to work and go to school

Is something you simply should not pursue 

It’s perfectly fine to live miserably 

as long as you do what you have to do

Stress is perfectly normal too!

Money is your lifeline 

that’s what we slave for every day 

When the earth is all ours 

but we found a way to deny people what is theirs! 

See we are already locked up 

by this society we have created

This shouldn’t be normal

Society is crazy

All these people who lost their Minds

 are the ones who have awaken

But if I express these thoughts

 I’ll be considered crazy 

So I’m left to conform and pretend 

that society is not enslavement. 

Breaking the Cycle 

Breaking the Cycle 

By: Jenny Alforria 

I sometimes look at myself 

and see nothing but pain and agony. 

I look at myself and see all the hurtful things 

that was done to me……

Every morning I feel this pressure to be better than my mom 

Rise above my family 

But sometimes I cry 

because I feel like Im repeating the cycle of agony 

I try to tell myself I’m different from my relatives 

I don’t want to self destruct 

and end up like my Mother did. 

I won’t be abusive, 

I won’t throw away my intelligence….. 

I won’t die like 

my mother and father did……

I won’t snort cocaine, 

I won’t shoot heroin

I won’t let alcohol put me in an early grave 

I won’t abandon my future children..

I won’t bring my kids with me 

into the lifestyle of homelessness…….

I won’t sell my instruments and all my possessions…..

Just to get food and get high like my parents did…..

I won’t lose everyone I love 

and throw away my career…..

I won’t get to the mountain 

and fall off the peak…..

I have to be strong, 

I can’t be weak.

So sometimes I avoid getting to the top because I’m scared to fail. 

Sometimes being in limbo is comfortable…..

taking it slow is safe…..

But at the same time

 I can’t stay in this constant state 

So I’m pushing and pushing 

to be a better person 

Disassociate myself from my Family

Try to live with Determination and Grace 

Let Gods will 

have control over my fate 

Follow the signs, 

live with hope and faith 

These thoughts and worries aren’t real 

They are automatic irrational cognitive thoughts 

I can break them with my therapist 

I am human, 

some pieces won’t leave me 

Doesn’t mean the past is repeating 

Keep pushing….

And break my self destructive thinking 

Spiritual War

Spiritual War

By: Jenny Alforria
We beg to our creator to change things all the time….

We question Gods judgment

We start believing satanic lies

We give up on God time after time……

But no matter what

God is always our guide

We start looking at the state of the world

And believe in all the negativity and rules

We get consumed by demons

But we think we are doing what we supposed to do.

We hope our elected politicians can change the world

We ignore the simple love spread through universal law.

We ignore the beauty of Mother Earth

We let our passions and dreams die

We walk by and ignore the poor

We don’t realize we are the answer to change each and every time

We follow society’s rules, and we lack trust and faith in Gods signs

We place people in roles

Because society has always been scripted

Miserable adults calling themselves responsible

They Never even realized

They let their souls die

We make false Gods out of people who are only playing out their script that society has gave to them.

We call people who follow mere signs delusional and schizophrenic

We call intuition and gut wrench feelings manic bipolar symptoms

But of course when shit turns out good

You’re called a story of success.

Sorry to break it to you

Success is just a man made concept

An imaginary bench mark on your life

That keeps you a slave like the rest

So we question where is God in a world of hate and stress.

Why does he let people suffer, and we wonder if he exist.

Not realizing he created us to solve these crimes against the universe

He created us to be like him

Loving and compassionate

Hopeful and positive

God has not failed us

We failed him

And yes the devil is real

But we commit the sins

God breaks all illusions

Societal Rules don’t fear him

Be one and transcend past fear based ideologies

Past systemic roles

Just Take “risks”

God is not found by the awakened he just is seen

Once you’re enlightened you’re just waking up out of a horrible dream

Each action is a ripple effect into the universe we are all tied together

Not separated by country, race, religion, political parties, gender, etc.

when we realize that we are one….How you treat others is the way you treat yourself.

I’m not separate from you…..I am you and you are me-

just Human.

Free will is the only characteristic that classifies me…

Don’t follow lost sheep

Just Follow the signs that God laid before your feet

Dream

Dream

By: Jenny Alforria

Could my traumatic life be just a dream?

Its so unbearably dramatic fake

Is what it seems

Can my emotionally and physically abusive mom

Be just a made up image in my mind

If this is just a dream

I’ve been dreaming for a long time

And reality is difficult to find

Was I really forced to find my own food?

And could my Dad’s death be apart of this nightmare too

Did I really get threatened with a gun when I was only ten years old?

And may I ask why

My mom was selling my body out in the bitter cold

I’m sick of being in this lost world

As a suicidal girl

I’m sick of being alone

And feeling unloved

As all my hurt is over filled in one tiny cup

And if this is just a dream

Please wake me up!

Victimized 

Victimized 

By:Jenny Alforria 

John has a degree

A job

and a nice home 

He’s handsome and wealthy 

Got a family to call his own! 

Parents supported him 

every step of the way

He’s set for life…

things always went his way

Every time he walks to work 

he sees a homeless man who begs

He walks past him in disgust 

you can tell he’s on drugs 

John just doesn’t understand 

why people like him 

can’t pull themselves up

This man is such a bum 

Stop begging for money 

just to get drugs 

Get a damn job!!!

John could care less 

about this Jon Doe 

who he wish would get lost

John works hard! 

Why can’t this homeless man 

do the same? 

Yeah John is unhappy at times 

Sometimes he can’t sleep 

His wife only loves him 

for the image 

and material things 

His kids look at him 

as a wallet 

never had to worry about anything 

I guess you can say 

John is a participating member of society

He’s living that American Dream…..

John drinks coffee 

to get through his long days

Deep down he’s unhappy with his job 

but hey!…..

as long as he gets paid 

He got a life style 

and family to maintain

Little does John know 

him and that homeless man 

is very much the same 

Both confined by society 

Both trying to get through the day 

They both inject themselves 

but in a different way 

Both chasing after money 

Trying to feed that emptiness 

each and every day 

Brainwashed by false messages

Both are a slave to money 

Both are disconnected from God 

John doesn’t realize 

He’s no better 

than the homeless man he sees

John doesn’t see 

they are both victimized 

By society