Cryptic 

Cryptic

By: Jenny Alforria

They try to put me in boxes

They categorize me based on illness, class, and ethnicity.

They try to diagnose me with disease after disease

They call me crazy, delusional,

and past the point of no return

They look down upon me

They frown upon me

They look at me with confusion and disgust

I always felt I wasn’t good enough

for these people’s love

Time and time again

I never understood why they hated me so much

But a bully in grade school once told me….

I was a cool person, but her mom told her to hate someone like me

I had learned from a young age that people will always have a problem with me.

It could be my looks, my size, my ethnicity…..

My mind, my posture, my “mental disease”

But the problem was never me

It was always society’s

Teaching and instilling hate at a young age is almost impossible for one to see

I’m human just like them….

my differences shouldn’t cause fear, disgust, or bigotry

Some of us adults should go back to grade school and learn basic human concepts

like love, acceptance, and empathy

We have degrees in system made theories and ideologies

yet we haven’t learned how to make a simple apology….

or communicate with our neighbors, or feed the poor,

instead we study pharmaceutical medicine…and learn about wars.

We build off a system of hate and build psychological walls.

Causing people to commit suicide and tell themselves this hate inflicted upon them

is all their fault!

But I don’t want to separate and divide with these words I express.

Nor bring any more pain, or make someone depressed.

Instead open the mind to what we repress.

Let’s not forget to be human, forget to be free

from this psychological slavery.

If you want to be a hero-love your family!

So maybe another little girl can grow up to have a stronger self esteem.

Don’t create any more bullies

let’s create love, acceptance and empathy.

Cuz the differences start with the little things.

Not at your careers or masters degrees.

Tell someone you love its ok to be unique.

Don’t be a carbon copy,

or a societal Barbie and Ken.

So many adults

still playing pretend

This is why I now try to be myself……

so someone else knows……………..

it’s ok to be them 💕💕💕💕💕

An Old Letter

An Old Letter

By: Jenny Alforria

 

Dear Jenny,

 

You can run all you want

but trust me,

you can’t run from me

I’ll catch up to you

Slowly…. but surely

You can push me aside,

tell me you wish I would die,

but in the end…

you can’t escape me.

You can cut me with that knife,

but I still will be by your side

no matter how much you hate me,

you can’t avoid me.

and I know it tears you apart,

makes you cry,

breaks your heart

But the reality is…..

sooner or later

you’re going to have to face me.

I am apart of you,

no matter how much

you want me to be gone

You hide me during the day,

so I keep you up all night long

I know you see me as this dark cloud,

but I am apart of what made you.

I know I may hurt

But I promise

you’ll thank me for what I do,

so instead of beating me up,

hiding me

and running away from me,

how about you love me,

and give me a hug.

This darkness I cast on you

will bring light.

Let’s love each other,

we don’t have to fight

because no matter how much you hate me

I am here to last.

You wouldn’t exist without me.

I am here to tell you..

it’s time you deal with me…

 

Sincerely…

 

Your Past!

Love Prison

 

Love Prison

By: Jenny Alforria

 

I’m imprisoned not just by your love

But the love I have for you

The bars are made of your words

The sexual attraction and the sweet things that you do

But the cell is made of control

Lies

And deceit

Causing me to have insecurities

Depression

And low self-esteem

The beds are made of unfaithful acts

That your opinion of me being beautiful

Is not a fact

I feel like when it comes to you

I’m not woman enough

So I get high when things get tough

My cellmate is my self-conscious

Telling me to do everything I need to do to leave

Telling me I can do better than that

Be the best that I can be

The key is my decision

On whether or not I should stay or go

And the lovemaking is telling me yes

But the hits are telling me no

So you choked me with your love

Then snatched my heart out my chest

And hid the finger prints with a glove

Like it has never even been caressed

You hurt me so bad

I realized my heart was the only thing holding me back

And that I need to stop this

I need to get my life on track

So now I’m on probation

Because my mind bailed me out

Now I know what you’re all about

But now I know

And now I see

That I was imprisoned by the love I had for you

Not the love you had for me

 

Jane’s File

                                                             

JANE’S FILE BY Jenny Alforria 

 

I came in as an intern

The rehab center told me about Jane’s file!

It says…..

She’s violent And she steals,

Jane is a heroin addict who is in denial!

They warned me to have thick skin

Because…she’s been in out of prison,

And she’s been to rehab 20 times!

She’s now on probation

She’s court mandated to go to treatment

She doesn’t want to change…

The counselors said,

“she’ll end up back in prison in no time.”

 

When I seen Jane

I seen she was a person

Who joked all the time,

And she was really tall

She had tattoos up her arm

To cover up the scars.

She looked tough

But in her eyes she looked afraid.

I was only an intern

I spoke to her with empathy and warmth

I treated her as a human,

Not a criminal,

Not an addict….

I seen her as “Jane”

I didn’t let her years of being in and out of prison get to me.

I still did my job.

 

One day in my group

Jane finally opened up

She always was the one to either make a joke,

Or stay quite

But Jane finally developed trust

She talked about what happened to her

As a child, growing up.

I was only an intern…

I was surprised, when Jane said…

She felt comfortable enough

In my group to open up

Jane cried as she disclosed that

Her father molested her younger sister

Right in front of her eyes

Her father told Jane not to worry

Just watch, and that

He wouldn’t do the same thing to her,

So don’t be afraid…

He told Jane that she was too ugly for him any way.

 

She then went on

To having feelings for girls

Because she figured

Boys wouldn’t want her

After what she internalized

And when she was 8

She began to molest her 4-year-old cousin

Because she thought it was a normal way to socialize

She eventually realized

That was not normal at all.

For years

Jane was filled with

Guilt,

Disgust,

And self-hate.

 

Jane eventually became addicted to drugs

This was her way of finding an escape.

She blamed herself

For what her father did to her little sister.

And how she sat there and watched.

Jane started to self mutilate as a teen

She figured that’s the punishment she deserved

For not speaking up

 

Jane didn’t care about prison

Because After a while

Prison became a home

She couldn’t hold down a job or finish school

The system Is the only way of living Jane knows.

 

Jane fell in love

With another client in the rehab

Her name was Maria

Maria was in prison for murder.

She murdered her stepfather that molested her.

No wonder she snorts coke…

And doesn’t trust social workers!

Maria loved Jane so much

She would risk anything for her.

They were caught having sex

On the unit by some one in charge.

Maria’s P.O.

Already told her…

“Break a rule

You going back to jail

For non-compliance,

So don’t fuck up.”

 

Maria and Jane

Then ran away together

All they can do is hope that they won’t get caught

They wanted to spend as much time together

As they possibly could

Jane wanted to fully get the chance to love Maria

And be happy with her

They wanted to start a new life.

To be able to show intimacy

Without looking around

Twice.

 

The supervisor felt sorry for them

She said….

She gets how it is

She just doesn’t understand

How they couldn’t just

Follow the rules

And finish the program

Why…

Did they just blow it all like fools?

 

She doesn’t understand….

They don’t care about prison

Their trauma was the real prison

It kept them locked up all their lives

They were always told

What to do

From Jane’s dad molesting her little sister

And telling her to watch

To Maria’s stepfather

Molesting her

Till she shot him with a gun

To prison guards telling them

When to eat,

Sleep,

And wash

To a rehab telling them

How they are addicts,

They need to follow the rules

And that they need

To tell strangers

Why they use.

 

But Maria and Jane

Opened up to each other

And found something

That made them smile, despite their pain

Jane felt like

Maria was the little sister

She wished she could of saved.

Maria consoled Jane

And assured her

That the abuse wasn’t Jane’s fault

Jane was only a child,

And that when it came to her cousin

She didn’t know any better

Maria accepted Jane for who she was

Not the labels placed on her by society

Or the ones in her chart

Not the addict…

The outcast…

Or the bipolar lesbo

Who doesn’t want to grow up.

The system could never love Jane

It only wanted to make money

Off her addiction,

Control her,

And then be the ones to say…

We helped Jane recover.

The therapeutic notes

And urine tests were suppose to be

The only progress that could be measured

 

Falling in love,

Having sex,

And

Running away

Was probably

The bravest thing they ever did.

They allowed themselves to be vulnerable

They formed a bond

They finally felt able to trust

Maria only had sex for money

So…

That sex act

They were caught doing

Was the first time

Maria actually made love

 

Jane finally opened up

She formed a meaningful friendship

She finally felt loved.

And if

They end up back in prison

And never see each other again

They’ll at least be able to

Sit In their cells

And know they have experienced

A first love

That most people never felt

 

However,

Their charts will always call them…

Runaways,

Criminals,

And addicts

They will be seen as

Cases,

Clients,

Statistics

Non-compliant,

In need of a wake up call,

Lost souls,

Violent,

Mentally unstable,

And thieves.

Jane and Maria

Will be seen as failures

Who are not capable

Or stable enough to love,

That they are only avoiding reality

 

 

Jane and Maria

Have been

Reduced down

To files

And numbers

Treated

Like they were less than human

When they were child molestation victims,

Who got older

And became

Heavily addicted to drugs

How can we…

Possibly….

…Connect

To a human being….

Simply by

Looking through a chart!

 

But to me……….

They’ll always be…

Jane and Maria

I never cared about their files,

I seen their souls

I knew their heart.