My Life in Active Addiction
Do you know how it feels
to have a pain so deep
that it will never heal
….you are just left so emotionally disabled to the point it impacts you
mentally and physically.
You lost something so special
that words can’t even articulate the pain.
You are left emotionally paralyzed
from the pain you suffered,
only no one can see
that the pills are the cane…..
Your disability is invisible to society
and you pretend you’re fully functional
and it wears you out more and more.
Your mind is like the legs
you shouldn’t be walking on.
You do everything you can
just to keep pace.
Just to be normal,
work a job,
go to school, Etc…..
but you are not Normal…..
and it hurts when no one sees it
but it hurts to let people know…..
That you have a pill problem,
want to kill yourself
and you don’t know what to do.
So you just try to be like everyone else,
so you try your best to push through
and appear normal…
just so you’re not left feeling alone,
but you’re alone anyway
when you come home
and the cane is on the bed side
and you’re crying from all that pain of walking all day long…..
You’re so fuckin tired
and you’re so sick
and you’re so lost
and you can’t for the life of you
get the help you need
because your disease
and your suffering and pain is invisible. And you planning out the suicide
all in your head.
How, What, Where, and When…..
my depression and self medication problems are eating at me,
but I act like I have them under control
but I don’t…
I’m just good at fooling everyone I know due to the costume I put on,
my disease looks at society like a show. Shit I even fool myself…
How do I articulate I need a hug,
but also someone to come over my place every now and then….
Maybe with some take out….
just friends to come by regularly to hang out with me.
I don’t even need to be understood
as much as I want to be cared about
and shown that I exist
and that I matter to people.
Cuz right now I feel like taking all the pills i got
and drifting away in the tub.
Forgetting all my pain,
ignoring all the scars.
That way I no longer will need this cane. No longer worried about pretending to walk.
Just let my body emerge in the water…
and stop this psychological pain
and most of all
end the pain I feel in my heart