My Life In Active Addiction

My Life in Active Addiction

By:Jenny Alforria

Do you know how it feels

to have a pain so deep

that it will never heal

….you are just left so emotionally disabled to the point it impacts you

mentally and physically.

You lost something so special

that words can’t even articulate the pain.

You are left emotionally paralyzed

from the pain you suffered,

only no one can see

that the pills are the cane…..

Your disability is invisible to society

and you pretend you’re fully functional

and it wears you out more and more.

Your mind is like the legs

you shouldn’t be walking on.

You do everything you can

just to keep pace.

Just to be normal,

work a job,

go to school, Etc…..

but you are not Normal…..

and it hurts when no one sees it

but it hurts to let people know…..

That you have a pill problem,

want to kill yourself

and you don’t know what to do.

So you just try to be like everyone else,

so you try your best to push through

and appear normal…

just so you’re not left feeling alone,

but you’re alone anyway

when you come home

and the cane is on the bed side

and you’re crying from all that pain of walking all day long…..

You’re so fuckin tired

and you’re so sick

and you’re so lost

and you can’t for the life of you

get the help you need

because your disease

and your suffering and pain is invisible. And you planning out the suicide

all in your head.

How, What, Where, and When…..

my depression and self medication problems are eating at me,

but I act like I have them under control

but I don’t…

I’m just good at fooling everyone I know due to the costume I put on,

my disease looks at society like a show. Shit I even fool myself…

How do I articulate I need a hug,

but also someone to come over my place every now and then….

Maybe with some take out….

just friends to come by regularly to hang out with me.

I don’t even need to be understood

as much as I want to be cared about

and shown that I exist

and that I matter to people.

Cuz right now I feel like taking all the pills i got

and drifting away in the tub.

Forgetting all my pain,

ignoring all the scars.

That way I no longer will need this cane. No longer worried about pretending to walk.

Just let my body emerge in the water…

and stop this psychological pain

and most of all

end the pain I feel in my heart

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