My Complicated Relationship 

My Complicated Relationship 

By: Jenny Alforria 

My Complicated Relationship

See me and the world have this complicated relationship…..
Prayer is suggested during difficult times. 

But sometimes I feel like

 no one can hear my cries. 

Like I’m yelling out 

and the only thing I can hear 

Is echos of my own broken voice 

No one sees anything 

past my overweight figure 

No one hears anything 

past the words I never say 

I feel the world moving straight pass me 

Every time the world paid attention to me

It was to get what it wanted out of me 

Sometimes it grabbed my body parts, 

Pulled down my pants 

Sometimes it demanded higher grades 

And when it wanted to be nice 

it gave me pills to forget things 

that have happened to me. 

Sometimes the world will tell me 

a cluster of things 

Such as I’m a slut 

I’m ugly or just not good enough….

Sometimes the world will say nothing at all while I cried and cried asking why me? 

Why must my life be this way? 

Silence hurt me the most 

The echoes of my own broken voice…..

This loneliness I feel leads me to believe that the world will be better off without me 

That maybe I should take the worlds advice and just go die. 

Because maybe my body, high grades and hard work 

is all the world wants out of me….

Maybe this world I live in 

doesn’t care for my cries 

Or wants to be bothered with 

what keeps me up at night 

Maybe this world doesn’t want to be bothered with my longing for suicide. 

Maybe this world is too preoccupied with the me that’s in tip top shape, 

And can care less about the weight that I gain because I can no longer leave my bed. 

Maybe the world is too obsessed with the grades that I am able to keep 

Or the work productivity I am able to have 

It can care less about the child hood it stole from me…

It can care less about the times 

it raped and violated me and betrayed me….

Forgive me if I’m tired of pretending to be this perfect human being. 

That I can just continue being silent about what this world has done to me 

And like a scared abused child pretend like everything is fine and nothing is going on. 

The world keeps yelling at me to just keep going. 

The world keeps telling me to be 

the best me, 

while it kicks me and chokes me….

The world and I have this complicated relationship….

And I have gotten to the point that I just want to break up with it 

and move on….

Slavery 

Slavery

By: Jenny Alforria 

I’m stuck in this place 

where they force you to conform 

To their ideas and their way of living 

I’m forced to live in this place 

where you gotta live by these rules

Or else they’ll lock you up and torture you

Don’t dare to have an idea of living 

that’s different from what they believe is true 

They’ll call you crazy 

Say you need medications 

They’ll tell you 

you have mental issues

Anything that’s different

 from go to work and go to school

Is something you simply should not pursue 

It’s perfectly fine to live miserably 

as long as you do what you have to do

Stress is perfectly normal too!

Money is your lifeline 

that’s what we slave for every day 

When the earth is all ours 

but we found a way to deny people what is theirs! 

See we are already locked up 

by this society we have created

This shouldn’t be normal

Society is crazy

All these people who lost their Minds

 are the ones who have awaken

But if I express these thoughts

 I’ll be considered crazy 

So I’m left to conform and pretend 

that society is not enslavement. 

Breaking the Cycle 

Breaking the Cycle 

By: Jenny Alforria 

I sometimes look at myself 

and see nothing but pain and agony. 

I look at myself and see all the hurtful things 

that was done to me……

Every morning I feel this pressure to be better than my mom 

Rise above my family 

But sometimes I cry 

because I feel like Im repeating the cycle of agony 

I try to tell myself I’m different from my relatives 

I don’t want to self destruct 

and end up like my Mother did. 

I won’t be abusive, 

I won’t throw away my intelligence….. 

I won’t die like 

my mother and father did……

I won’t snort cocaine, 

I won’t shoot heroin

I won’t let alcohol put me in an early grave 

I won’t abandon my future children..

I won’t bring my kids with me 

into the lifestyle of homelessness…….

I won’t sell my instruments and all my possessions…..

Just to get food and get high like my parents did…..

I won’t lose everyone I love 

and throw away my career…..

I won’t get to the mountain 

and fall off the peak…..

I have to be strong, 

I can’t be weak.

So sometimes I avoid getting to the top because I’m scared to fail. 

Sometimes being in limbo is comfortable…..

taking it slow is safe…..

But at the same time

 I can’t stay in this constant state 

So I’m pushing and pushing 

to be a better person 

Disassociate myself from my Family

Try to live with Determination and Grace 

Let Gods will 

have control over my fate 

Follow the signs, 

live with hope and faith 

These thoughts and worries aren’t real 

They are automatic irrational cognitive thoughts 

I can break them with my therapist 

I am human, 

some pieces won’t leave me 

Doesn’t mean the past is repeating 

Keep pushing….

And break my self destructive thinking 

Spiritual War

Spiritual War

By: Jenny Alforria
We beg to our creator to change things all the time….

We question Gods judgment

We start believing satanic lies

We give up on God time after time……

But no matter what

God is always our guide

We start looking at the state of the world

And believe in all the negativity and rules

We get consumed by demons

But we think we are doing what we supposed to do.

We hope our elected politicians can change the world

We ignore the simple love spread through universal law.

We ignore the beauty of Mother Earth

We let our passions and dreams die

We walk by and ignore the poor

We don’t realize we are the answer to change each and every time

We follow society’s rules, and we lack trust and faith in Gods signs

We place people in roles

Because society has always been scripted

Miserable adults calling themselves responsible

They Never even realized

They let their souls die

We make false Gods out of people who are only playing out their script that society has gave to them.

We call people who follow mere signs delusional and schizophrenic

We call intuition and gut wrench feelings manic bipolar symptoms

But of course when shit turns out good

You’re called a story of success.

Sorry to break it to you

Success is just a man made concept

An imaginary bench mark on your life

That keeps you a slave like the rest

So we question where is God in a world of hate and stress.

Why does he let people suffer, and we wonder if he exist.

Not realizing he created us to solve these crimes against the universe

He created us to be like him

Loving and compassionate

Hopeful and positive

God has not failed us

We failed him

And yes the devil is real

But we commit the sins

God breaks all illusions

Societal Rules don’t fear him

Be one and transcend past fear based ideologies

Past systemic roles

Just Take “risks”

God is not found by the awakened he just is seen

Once you’re enlightened you’re just waking up out of a horrible dream

Each action is a ripple effect into the universe we are all tied together

Not separated by country, race, religion, political parties, gender, etc.

when we realize that we are one….How you treat others is the way you treat yourself.

I’m not separate from you…..I am you and you are me-

just Human.

Free will is the only characteristic that classifies me…

Don’t follow lost sheep

Just Follow the signs that God laid before your feet

Dream

Dream

By: Jenny Alforria

Could my traumatic life be just a dream?

Its so unbearably dramatic fake

Is what it seems

Can my emotionally and physically abusive mom

Be just a made up image in my mind

If this is just a dream

I’ve been dreaming for a long time

And reality is difficult to find

Was I really forced to find my own food?

And could my Dad’s death be apart of this nightmare too

Did I really get threatened with a gun when I was only ten years old?

And may I ask why

My mom was selling my body out in the bitter cold

I’m sick of being in this lost world

As a suicidal girl

I’m sick of being alone

And feeling unloved

As all my hurt is over filled in one tiny cup

And if this is just a dream

Please wake me up!