Breaking the Cycle
By: Jenny Alforria
I sometimes look at myself
and see nothing but pain and agony.
I look at myself and see all the hurtful things
that was done to me……
Every morning I feel this pressure to be better than my mom
Rise above my family
But sometimes I cry
because I feel like Im repeating the cycle of agony
I try to tell myself I’m different from my relatives
I don’t want to self destruct
and end up like my Mother did.
I won’t be abusive,
I won’t throw away my intelligence…..
I won’t die like
my mother and father did……
I won’t snort cocaine,
I won’t shoot heroin
I won’t let alcohol put me in an early grave
I won’t abandon my future children..
I won’t bring my kids with me
into the lifestyle of homelessness…….
I won’t sell my instruments and all my possessions…..
Just to get food and get high like my parents did…..
I won’t lose everyone I love
and throw away my career…..
I won’t get to the mountain
and fall off the peak…..
I have to be strong,
I can’t be weak.
So sometimes I avoid getting to the top because I’m scared to fail.
Sometimes being in limbo is comfortable…..
taking it slow is safe…..
But at the same time
I can’t stay in this constant state
So I’m pushing and pushing
to be a better person
Disassociate myself from my Family
Try to live with Determination and Grace
Let Gods will
have control over my fate
Follow the signs,
live with hope and faith
These thoughts and worries aren’t real
They are automatic irrational cognitive thoughts
I can break them with my therapist
I am human,
some pieces won’t leave me
Doesn’t mean the past is repeating
And break my self destructive thinking