Confessions of a Substance Abuse Queen 

Confessions of a Substance Abuse Queen 

By: Jenny Alforria 

God do I feel everything so deeply and intensely 
And Goddddd, how hard I tried not to feel a fucking thing! 

Goddd how hard I tried to escape my pain so extremely 

The times I drank until I can no longer feel the ground beneath me….

I drank until the room spinned around me 

As I was spinning around the room 

Feeling nothing but slowed down heart beats 

And the musical vibrations I rhythmically danced to with my feather feet

And the man behind me grinding up against me, and sometimes I didn’t even feel him….

And that was the beauty of it 

Not feeling a fucking thing. 

Silence and fun coexisting 

The power I’ve felt from the poison I craved 

I felt like a queen….

Little did I know I was a slave…..

Alcohol wasn’t enough for me 

So I popped pills 

The Benzodiazepine and opiate queen 

Lost in the bliss of dependence on all these things that were killing me 

All to solve the crying problem 

The anxiety problem 

The sadness problem 

The self hatred problem 

And little did I know….

By turning it all off 

I was just making it all worse 

And I couldn’t keep pushing down the lid 

To a pot of unresolved emotional problems just foaming over…..

I was living in a dream

But once I woke up 

Reality was waiting for me impatiently 

Trying to shake me and slap me 

While I was peacefully sleeping 

The reality is racing heart beats are ok 

They just let me know I’m alive 

That crying is my soul trying to clear out all the things that died 

That depression is a signal letting me know something needs to change

And that pain makes me beautiful 

Because All great things are born out of pain 

Self hatred is untapped success just waiting to be transformed into self love 

Little did I know that all the things that I thought made me broken were the things that could make me whole. 

All the things that I thought made me ugly 

Made me beautiful. 

All the time I spent avoiding 

I’ve just cheated myself 

I’m a person worth fighting for 

There is no reason I should kill myself. 

Written By:Jenny Alforria 

My Suicide Note 

My Suicide Note 
For a really long time I’ve been wanting to die. 

It’s getting really hard to breathe 

And be this person I don’t like to see 

I can’t stand this person I have become 

Constantly avoiding life on life terms

I hate how exhausted I constantly am 

How I spend my days in the bed all day 

Too weak to even stand 

Depression and anxiety constantly eating at my life

Fighting so long that I no longer fight 

Drowning in symptoms of PTSD 

Locked up in my room 

Binge Watching tv episodes 

To escape my life of doom 

Not showering for days at a time 

Did I mention binge watching tv episodes 

But my life is the only thing on rewind….

Too fatigued to comb or wash my hair 

Too scared to look into the mirror, 

Life imprisoned by fear

Yeah this is a suicide note 

Of a suicide I’ve committed a long time ago. 

I’m grieving over a girl who died a long time ago. 

Now that I’m in the after life……I came to realize there is a life that’s after life.

And I’m ready to start fucking living now. 

See like I said I’ve already committed suicide. 

I already died! 

Now it’s time to come back from the dead 

Into the land of  the living

Free, happy, alive and well. 

I’m ready to live

rise out my grave 

And escape my hell! 
By: Jenny Alforria 

Understand 

Understand By: Jenny Alforria 
I wish someone could peer into the cracks of my broken soul. 

And understand what makes me so cold.

I wish someone could see behind

 the lies I tell 

and know that I’m not well. 

I wish someone could look into my eyes and see that even when I’m laughing

I really want to cry.

I wish someone could hear the beats of my heart 

and still know despite the beating 

it’s still torn completely apart. 

I wish someone could see past the small talk of I’m ok or I’m fine 

and see the pain of my torchered mind.

I wish there was someone who could understand how I’m running 

but still can’t stand still enough to look into the mirror 

and look at who I am. 

I wish there was someone who could hold my hand 

and walk with me into the darkness

 I feel like I can’t withstand 

I wish there was someone with me 

on this lonely island of my PTSD 

So they knew I was a cast away 

and therefore see 

how hard connecting with other people 

is for me. 

I wish there was someone who really understood 

But then again what if there was someone who really could…..

They would have to of gone through the same things as me. 

And I am the same person I don’t want to meet.