Confessions of a Substance Abuse Queen 

Confessions of a Substance Abuse Queen 

By: Jenny Alforria 

God do I feel everything so deeply and intensely 
And Goddddd, how hard I tried not to feel a fucking thing! 

Goddd how hard I tried to escape my pain so extremely 

The times I drank until I can no longer feel the ground beneath me….

I drank until the room spinned around me 

As I was spinning around the room 

Feeling nothing but slowed down heart beats 

And the musical vibrations I rhythmically danced to with my feather feet

And the man behind me grinding up against me, and sometimes I didn’t even feel him….

And that was the beauty of it 

Not feeling a fucking thing. 

Silence and fun coexisting 

The power I’ve felt from the poison I craved 

I felt like a queen….

Little did I know I was a slave…..

Alcohol wasn’t enough for me 

So I popped pills 

The Benzodiazepine and opiate queen 

Lost in the bliss of dependence on all these things that were killing me 

All to solve the crying problem 

The anxiety problem 

The sadness problem 

The self hatred problem 

And little did I know….

By turning it all off 

I was just making it all worse 

And I couldn’t keep pushing down the lid 

To a pot of unresolved emotional problems just foaming over…..

I was living in a dream

But once I woke up 

Reality was waiting for me impatiently 

Trying to shake me and slap me 

While I was peacefully sleeping 

The reality is racing heart beats are ok 

They just let me know I’m alive 

That crying is my soul trying to clear out all the things that died 

That depression is a signal letting me know something needs to change

And that pain makes me beautiful 

Because All great things are born out of pain 

Self hatred is untapped success just waiting to be transformed into self love 

Little did I know that all the things that I thought made me broken were the things that could make me whole. 

All the things that I thought made me ugly 

Made me beautiful. 

All the time I spent avoiding 

I’ve just cheated myself 

I’m a person worth fighting for 

There is no reason I should kill myself. 

Written By:Jenny Alforria 


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